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Funny Jokes, Naughty Jokes,
Laughter,
Take a break
for Hilarious Jokes, just lots of
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Funny jokes to make the world laugh |
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Funny jokes to make the world laugh |
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Digital & Film Cameras, Phones, Digital Memory,
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I have edited out the naughtier
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THE BEST BLOND JOKE EVER
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for
the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after
filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer
decides to ask her one last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA
JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds
"One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise
that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining
candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about
the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA
JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The
interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes
through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are
there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and
starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm –
wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense
calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Twenty
Eight"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her:
"Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De
Dar Dar Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar.
Brian Manchester |
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One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to
Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike
replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda
Brian Manchester |
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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over
immediately. When he arrives she seductively signals that he should bring
his Face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
Are you the manager she asks softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually no the man replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she
says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. ‘I'm afraid I cant breathes the bartender Is there
anything can do?’
Yes there is I need you to give him a message she continues slyly popping a couple of her fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?’ the bartender manages to say.
‘Tell him, she whispers there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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| A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says,
“Got stuck?” The lorry driver says, “No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”
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The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”
The man on the phone responded, “This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.” So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
“Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy!”
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What is a blondes' favorite joke?
What color is an orange?
red
Julieanna |
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When a women has a baby boy, why does she always pick
the name???
Because the guy might name him Jack Daniels
Julieanna |
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A king captured three men and told them to go find a
fruit and to get ten of them.
The first guy came in with apples, and the king said" If you want to live
you have to shove all the fruit up your butt without making any facial
expressions or noises." So up goes 1,2 and the first guy made a hurting
sound, so the king killed him and he went up to heaven. The second guy
came in with berries and the king also told him to shove them up his butt
without making any facial expressions or noises. The guy thought that it
would be easy since he only had small berries. So up goes
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and the guy busted out laughing. So of course the king
had to kill him, and he went up to heaven. The first guy and the second
guy meet up in heaven and the first guy says," Why did you laugh, you were
so close!". Then the second guy said ," I saw the third guy come in
with pineapples!"
Boricua Chicka(eg) |
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A blonde women named Nancy and a blonde women named Betty want to rob a bank, so Nancy makes a
plan. Nancy goes over the plan with Betty. Nancy says," Do you understand the
plan, Betty?" Betty replies "Yes, I understand the plan. Nancy and Betty go to the bank they want to rob and Betty is the one going in and
Nancy will be the one to get ready to drive when Betty is ready to go with the
money. So Nancy says" You should be out in about 3-5 minutes." So Betty goes
in. Nancy is getting very impatient because Betty has been in there for 10
minutes. Then another 10 minutes pass by and finally Betty comes out with the money and is dragging it by a
rope. Then the doors burst open again and it is a guard with his pants and drawers
down. Betty gets in the car and Nancy drives away. As Nancy is driving, Nancy starts yelling at
Betty. Nancy says" Betty you are such a blonde!" Betty is confused and says," What
are you talking about! I did everything you said to do!" Then Nancy yells back and says," No you
got it all wrong, I told you to tie the guard and blow the safe!"
Boricua Chicka(eg) |
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A blonde asked a salesmen "how much is that
TV" ? the man replied "we don't serve blondes", so the
blonde goes home and dyes her hair black. She returns and asks again
"how much is that TV" the salesman replied "we don't serve
blondes". So the blonde went and dyed her hair brown, she returned
again and asked him "how much is that TV" ? and again he said
"we don't serve blondes". So she dyes her green and comes back
again and says "how much is that TV" ? The salesman says "for
the last time we don't serve blondes" The blonde says
"and how do you know I'm a blonde" ? the salesman replies
"because that's a microwave not a TV".
Crystal |
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“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.”
Emo Philips
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to
do most things.”
July Cooper |
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The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large dark sun glasses, making their way up to the cockpit However the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin
panicking Some passengers are praying and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway,
passengers become more and more hysterical’ Finally when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne Up in the cockpit the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re going to get
killed
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“When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so
ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished by bow much he'd
learned in seven years”
Mark Twain
“Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to
lose weight is take a bath’
Richard Zera |
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The Male Perspective
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules Please note these are all numbered “1 ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it Don’t try to change that
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl If its up, put it down We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we
do sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done Not both If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself
1. Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a
colour Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
1. When we have to go some where, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars
1. You have enough clothes
1. You have too many shoes
1.1 am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this, Yes,
I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that it’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education
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“My school days were the happiest days of my life
which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the
past twenty five years.”
Paul Merton
“An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order
Mike Barfield
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for something Christmassy, so the guy at the counter gives the dude a bird and says if you take a match and
warm up his right foot he'll sing "We wish you a merry
Christmas" if you warm up the left he'll sing "Jingle
Bells" well the second guys say I wonder what he'll sing if I warm up the middle
?
So he lights up a match and warms the middle, the bird sings
"CHEST NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE"
Angel
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A blonde and a brunette fall over the edge of a cliff at
the same time. Who reached the ground first? The brunette - the blonde had
to stop for directions halfway down.
Frankie |
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Why do old men need Viagra.... Have you seen how ugly
old women are !!!!
Anonymous |
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Why do seagulls have wings? to beat the gypsies to the tip
How many
baby's does it take 2 paint a wall? It depends how hard u throw them !!!LOL!
How do u teaze a snooker table? Tickle hiz ballz !!!! LOL
Daniel Madge |
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Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, ‘Those must be deer tracks!”
The second blonde said, “No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!”
The third blond said, No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”
They where still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.
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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with
me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
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“Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.”
R.D. Laing
“The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.”
Quentin Crisp
“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas...”
Emo Philips |
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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Jack Mac Darkest Manchester. |
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So,
wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, Boyo, I’m in deep doo doo now. (He was an Irish
setter)... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?”
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. Whew, says the
leopard. That was close. That dog nearly had me.
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog
saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a
fool of and says, Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to
happen to that conniving canine.
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, What am I going to do now? But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear; the dog says, Where’s that
monkey. just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring
me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!
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A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence,
wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
The rancher thought to himself: “Great, now I’m gonna have to start explaining sex. Well, no need to jump the gun. I’ll just let him ask the questions and I’ll answer as best I can.”
After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his son and said, “Well, son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother explained, keeping it
simple.
The child thought for a moment and said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
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“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.”
Howard Scott
“There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.”
Doug Larson
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.”
Woody Alien
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There was three boys, one called Willie, one called Zip, and one called Pea, and they where all in the same class. One day the three boys were mucking about in class and the teacher got really angry and
said, zip down, willie out and pea in the corner!!!!!
Katie Fidczuk Surrey |
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An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are asked to name the odd one out between a potato, a cabbage and a knife, the Englishman and the Scotsman agree that as the potato and the cabbage are both vegetable the Knife must be the odd one out.
Paddy however decides it must be the cabbage as both the potato and the knife make chips !!!
Allen Mullion Cove |
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A doctor examines a woman, then takes the husband aside and says, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
‘Me, neither Doc.” says the husband, “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
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This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear: As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her “Do you know anything about parachutes?’ “NO”, she says, “do you know anything about gas stoves?’
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” be said, ‘A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.’
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right”
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As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college.
Although their chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they over slept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon. In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus.
Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms.
75 point question. Which tire was flat?
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In some country house way out in some place lived an old lady a very old lady. She had this problem see, no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t keep from passing gas all the time, but they didn’t smell or make a sound. One day she could put up with it no more so she went to see a doctor about this problem.
She told the whole story to the doctor and also put in that she had actually pooted fifteen times since she was in the office. The doctor said ahh! I see and gave her some pills. He said take one of these every two hours and
you'll be fine. Well about a week later the lady came back hopping mad, she told the doctor not only does she still fart but
they smell awful too.
The doctor said Ahh yes, now that we have cleared up your sinuses it is time to work on your hearing.
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The local restaurant was so sure that its head waiter was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1000 bet: The waiter would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze any more juice from the lemon would win the money.
Many people had tried over time... weight-lifters, etc., but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came into the restaurant wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He said in a tiny squeaky voice, ‘Td like to try the bet.”
After the laughter died down, the head waiter agreed to let the fragile man try, grabbed a
lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
drop fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the waiter paid the £1000 and asked the little man, ‘What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, construction worker, or what?’
The man replied, “I’m a tax inspector.
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A horse walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “why the long face”.
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‘Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff”
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A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there is a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there is a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That is truly amazing!"
"It certainly is" The dog Owner replied, "He hated the book!"
Helston
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants Provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says,
"OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
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While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3" They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4"
"What do you think?' one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully then shifted
into first "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the
table with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly "No he didn't. He just walked in the door"
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A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first" The snake says okay and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over; and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, '1 know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over; and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer"
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A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked,
"Um err; which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking
meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog.
Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it,
sir"
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief "What in the hell kind of dog do you
have?"
"Sir" answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy"
"Bull!" roared the biker; "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir"
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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up.
The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole.
"Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"
The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple
syrup!"
The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."
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GROAN OF the week
A man walks into the sheriffs office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want you to catch this man" says the sheriff handing the man a wanted poster
The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper
boots.'
'What's he wanted for?' asked the hopeful young man
"Rustling."
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WHY DID THE COW CROSS THE ROAD?
To go to the mooovies!
Anonymous |
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have Smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart ?
When she starts her sentence with ‘A man once told me...”
How do you fix a woman’s watch ? You don’t There’s a clock on the oven
Why do men pass gas more than women ? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig ?
A woman that wont do what she’s told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells ? Pregnant.
I married Miss right. I just didn’t know her
first name was Always.
‘I haven’t spoken to my wile for 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence ?
divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%... wedding cake.
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A blond walks into a curtain store, the salesman asks
"Can I help you" ? the blond replies "I need curtains for
my computer" the salesman asks "What for" ? the blond
replies "I've got Windows"
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Nature gave us sex so women could moan all night as well
Anonymous |
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What did the blind man say to the deaf man? Where are
you?
Callum |
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A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She is
dressed in a sexy little nightie.
‘Tie me up,” she purrs, “and you can do anything you want.”
So, he ties her up and goes out for a game of golf.
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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, ‘Is there a problem,
Officer? No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving
and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver
Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do
with the money?
He thought for a minute and said, ‘Well, I guess I will go get
that drivers’ license.”
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
“Oh, don't pay attention to him - he’s a smart-ass when he’s
drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, ‘“I Told
you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
voice said, “Are we over the border yet’?”
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As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car
phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a
car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of
them!”
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What's the hottest part of the sun!!! a: page 3
Laura |
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An English a Scottish and a Irish man all ran into a pub
and said to the barman do you know anywhere we can hide ? the barman said
yes follow me. They ran upstairs and the barman said hide behind these
curtains, the three men said that would be to obvious and then they saw
three big sacks and they all hid in them. Three more men ran into the same
pub
and said have you seen an English a Scottish and a Irish man and the
barman said no, they of course completely ignored him and ran upstairs, they
looked behind the curtains there was nobody there. When they saw the 3 sacks
the men kicked the Englishman and he made it sound like seeds in the
sack, they then kicked the Scottish one and he made it sound like there
were rocks in it, then they kicked the third bag with the Irishman in it
and he shouted POTATOES!!!!
Karen Garratt |
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A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on"
The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?"
The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off".
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes"?
The bartender confused, tell the duck that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes"?
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served. grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day the duck returns, but before he can say anything the bar tender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar".
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails"?
Confused, the bartender says "no".
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes"?
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A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when
I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh the dog's leash goes slack".
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What do you call a legless call girl? cash and carry
Gregory
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A man walks into a pub and says can I get a packet of crisps and a pint of larger; he drinks his pint and puts the packet of crisps on his head. The next day he walks into the pub and asks for another pint of lager and a packet of crisps, he drinks the pint and puts the packet of crisps on his head. The next day before the man comes in the barman says to himself, I am going to say there are no crisps left to see what he does now. So he walks in and says can I get a pint of lager and a packet of crisps. The barman says there are no crisps left sorry so instead he asks for a pie. He drinks the pint and puts the pie on his head. The barman says right you why do you have a pie on your head? and the man replies because there are no packets of crisps left!!!
Cairnsy
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Why did god create men before women? he wanted to start of with something simple
Charlotte.
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A man and woman walk down the street and see a magic lamp,
the man picks it up and rubs it and a genie pops out. the genie says
"you have 3 wishes but be warned what ever you wish for your wife
will get better" so the man wishes for 10 million pounds the genie
says "yes, but your wife will get 20 million pounds" so he wishes
to be good at golf so the genie says "yes but your wife will be
better" and then the man says "any chance of a mild heart
attack"
Robert Marshall
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A boy walks up to his mum and says mum is it wrong to have a willy the mum says no why and he replies because dads sweating like hell trying to pull his off
Nathan Slomczynski
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Mick fell down a mine shaft, 100 foot straight down, Paddy shout's
Mick have you broken anything, Mick shout's, it's ok Paddy, their's nothing down here .
Paul Mcgarvey
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